Coping with Grief During the Holidays
When you are managing the care of a child who has complex or medical needs or you are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holiday season can both trigger grief and appear to arrive faster than expected. For many individuals it can be very jarring to find holiday decorations for sale months before the actual celebration occurs (Christmas in July anyone?).
It can also be really difficult to wrap your head around how you can possibly “celebrate the season.” Holidays can be upsetting, especially if this is your first holiday after losing a loved one or you are coping with the loss of typical expectations associated with a new diagnosis or a change in functioning for your child with complex medical needs. It can also seem unfair to witness any celebration if you are grieving any type of loss and experiencing strong negative emotions.
Holidays are frequently strong reminders of how your world is suddenly very different. Adjusting to the change can require time so it can be helpful to give yourself grace during the holiday period.
Complex Needs and the Holidays
If you have a child with complex or medical needs, during the holidays it may help to
1. Adjust Your Expectations
Remember that your holidays may look different from other families’, and that’s okay.
- Each family designs their holidays around their own rituals and family members’ preferences or abilities.
- Focus on what works for your family rather than trying to meet traditional expectations.
2. Plan Ahead
- Consult with your child’s medical team about holiday activities, including travel.
- Prepare a document to carry that can provide important information in an emergency e.g. Emergency Form for Children with Special Needs
- clothing needed
- Bring any items (e.g. comfort items, favorite toys) your child needs to feel comfortable
- Identify quiet spaces where your child can take a break from the noise of the gathering
- Plan to attend a gathering only for the amount of time that your child can tolerate
- Have a small gathering at home instead of attending large parties.
- Create new traditions that work with your child’s schedule and abilities.
4. Communicate with Family and Friends
Be open about your child’s needs and your family’s limitations. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries or decline invitations if necessary.
- Boundaries can establish clear expectations and help friends and family plan any helpful accommodations.
- If you need to decline an invitation, plan a way to join virtually or a time to connect in a more manageable way in the future.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Remember self-care. Self-care is not selfish. It is important to take the time you need to rejuvenate or recharge your own batteries so that you can best support your family. You do not need to single-handedly take care of all tasks.
- Family and friends around you may assume incorrectly that you don’t want help or want to help but don’t know what they can do to help.
- Accept help when it is offered. Feel free to modify the help that is offered so it best suits your needs
Grieving a Loss during the Holidays
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, during the holidays it can be helpful to
- Allow yourself to experience all your feelings without judgment.
- Find a quiet space to take time away from others to be alone with your thoughts and feelings, if preferred.
2. Honor Your Loved One
Find ways to include your loved one’s memory in your celebrations:
- Light a candle in their honor.
- Hang a special decoration that reminds you of them.
- Invite loved ones to write memories about them in a notebook.
- Continue a holiday activity they loved.
- Listen to their favorite holiday music or watch their favorite holiday movie.
3. Be Flexible with Traditions
It’s okay to change or skip traditions that feel too painful.
Create new ones that feel meaningful to you now.
- Buy a gift they would like and donate it.
- Donate to a cause that is related to your loved one in some way.
4. Set Boundaries
Choose to engage with others in a way that feels comfortable for you.
- You do not need to feel obligated to attend every event or gathering.
- You also do not need to attend an entire gathering. Stay as long as you are able and then excuse yourself when you need a break.
- If you do not feel comfortable attending a large gathering, feel free to suggest a gathering at another time in a smaller setting that works for you
5. Seek Support
- Connect with others who understand your experience.
- If you are in the presence of understanding loved ones, find comfort by letting others know how you are feeling.
- Consider joining a support group or speaking with a therapist.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
- Be gentle with yourself.
- Grieving is an individual process so there’s no right or wrong way to handle the holidays.
Whether you’re caring for a child with complex medical needs or navigating grief, remember that it’s okay for your holidays to look different. Focus on what brings you and your family comfort and meaning during this time. Be patient with yourself and others, and don’t hesitate to reach out for support when needed.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many others have faced or are currently facing similar challenges. There are resources and communities available to support you through the holiday season and beyond.